[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
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I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?