If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
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My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.