Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

🤣

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.