I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
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You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
*halfway through watching the movie âthe stingâ, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i donât see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes iâm going to bed
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Dishwasher broke, so now Iâm washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” đ
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Memories are a bit fuzzy â but regrets? Theyâre in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Wife: You wonât believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, âI donât careâ)
Wife: I heard that
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
When you see a picture of my kids and itâs captioned âThe reason I wake up every dayâ itâs not me being sweet. Itâs the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.