me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.