Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
You Might Also Like
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”