When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
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“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
birds and squirrels envy us
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*