Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
You Might Also Like
Catercrombie & Fish
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!