WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
You Might Also Like
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments