Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
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Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over