Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Something Saturday.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.