Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
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Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you