People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.