Just me and my debit card against the world
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Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.