On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
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When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.