Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
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[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.