TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!