Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
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Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters