Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.