CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
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That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE