4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.