fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.