“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Did my cat write this
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.