The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?