TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
You Might Also Like
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.