when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them