We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
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My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
That’s no pocket rocket.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.