Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I am crying
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.