ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
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Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”