Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
There are usually two types of merchants.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
be careful
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie