Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
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Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers