“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
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Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.