Basketball games are very squeaky.
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Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
If a snake ate a cake
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones