Locked in the target鈥TRIKE! 馃憖馃槒馃槀馃悤
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is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
What鈥檚 fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid鈥檚 sole understanding of current events isn鈥檛 constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you鈥檙e busy?
Me: *laughing*
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
just witnessed a drug deal
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here鈥檚 a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
me: my parents aren鈥檛 home
911: we can鈥檛 help you with your capri sun straw
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn鈥檛 good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there