[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Yup
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.