“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
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Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
*limbos away from your hug*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Become ungovernable.