why would tinder want me to say this
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Make new friends? bro out of what?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
uh oh