Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
He a real one for that
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Think I pulled my liver
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁