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My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice