If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
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am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands