Body by sandwich.
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When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Guys, I found it.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that