It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
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My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married