saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.