just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
You Might Also Like
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
won’t smith
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
The cashier just checked me out.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.