The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Netflix and you sit over there.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.