What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
forgive me baja for i have blast
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Perfect
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.