*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Attacked by a mop.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.