Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
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I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
😂😂😂
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
The Friday File.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.