The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
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[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.