I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
cat vs inanimate object
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄